So, for a while, I've known I'm a jealous person, and at times, quite self centered. I dig for complements, on occasion, I get jealous easily over guys, and I for sure put myself down. So when a friend says "This guy says he loves me" or tells me about how they hate being called pretty, or getting hit on. Or complain abut how their friendships with guys died after a relationship ended.... I sit there and kind of die inside. And usually, I have something to say after everything, because I totally understand. Not in these aspects. I'm pretty single, I don't get called pretty a lot, I don't get hit on anywhere but online, I don't have good guy friends because they just.. don't talk to me. And so I try and be respectful "I don't understand... so I'm sorry" and they get upset.
Shut up.
I'm sorry.
*Self pity*
I'm so caught up in these things. I frequently ask myself dumb questions;
Why are my friends so pretty?
Why, if they call me pretty, and think I'm "prettier than them", are they getting hit on and I'm not?
What makes them so much better than me?
What's so bad about me that keeps people away, as friends and as lovers?
And you see, these are quite unhealthy (but completely normal) questions teenage girls ask themselves. The answer? There isn't one. Society's to blame, mostly. To make complements so essential, and making someone feel bad for not being "perfect"
And recently, I've kind lost hold of my jealousy and self-esteem. I think it's because I'm about to go back to school. At a new school. Full of attractive guys, and I care too much about what others think of me... "Why am I not her?" crosses my mind a lot... and then I laugh. "Because being me is worth all the tears."
I guess what I'm trying to say, is that, though I may thing all of that is SO important, it really isn't. Because there'll be plenty of guys what want me for me. That wont need me to be other girls. Just. Me. And I guess that's for sure, worth the wait. No matter how long it may be.
Just keep swimming,
xoxo,
Marjean.♥
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